31.3.10

The awkwardness....

I feel extremely awkward telling anyone the meaning of my name...
For once and for all let me tell you that  in my mother tongue, the meaning of my name is  " the one with a beautiful frame"....

Please do not ever ask me to repeat it again...

    ..... for the truth is that it does not suit me very well.   and each time i introduce myself i feel awkward...  i feel like i am mocking myself and ridiculing the duo of me and my name ..
          to make matters worse, friends have shortened it further... and whatever they call me translates to simply "bod" or "form "....


isn't that awkward ??  a terribly awkward name ??


in foreign domains i am happy. they do not understand what they call me... that is a relief...

but where ever i am i do not like my name ....

If I could-  then  I would have them call me April or March or something such...

      but they did not bother to ask ...
      and so I have to live by whatever they call me and remain to be just a "form" !!




everydayness.....




Life does not always happen
   sometimes you have to make it happen
     
for that -
             you must fall in love with the mundane,
                  bring out the life therein.......

 participate passionately in the event called life..
      more often you must want to feel alive
            ...and breath not gently simply to survive !!



[image from weheartit]

30.3.10

rewind-edit-play....


Teenage was in such a haste..         
   i could barely relish ..       
i had only blinked,   and it had vanished..                         

      if i could,  i would rewind
           and this time spare me of the oddities...

              - love me a little more, worry a lot less,
                 bask in the winter sun, swim at summer bays...    
 indulge unsparingly  creating memories  ...




[image from weheartit]

the introduction.....

it was more than a year ago.... I was still a student then..
they had recently moved into our campus.  she with her dad and mom...
i had noticed her a number of times before,  during my walks... but we had not spoken... never exchanged words...
she was a little more than two then... her father had just joined as a faculty at our institute... i had shared no common interest with him or her mom and so we had not been introduced...



But that evening as i was walking up the slope adjoining the pantry, she looked at me and smiled.

       i smiled back and asked   "what is your name ?"
                               her mother probed and she replied,  " Elly !"

                                   that is a rare name for a little Bengali girl.  and  I said, "cute,"   then asked ,   "what are you doing ?"

                she replied, "I am dancing,"      and then began to dance....

29.3.10

.......................................................................... ................ waking from social anesthesia...

i am done being pretentious
  done playing by the norms

it was never my way i realized
  and will never be at all.

    'tis reposeful to be honest, -  say what i feel
or be sober sometimes and everything conceal .
i'll rather be a woman with passion and flaws
 than play by the norms 
   and be a petty pretentious petite doll...

[image via google search]

28.3.10

Thank you friends !!



                                                                             Its Sunday night .....

i laughed and laughed
 till my eyes brimmed and overflowed
              and i was happy and alive....
i felt like a little child.
Thank you friends- 
   i had a lovely time tonight !!

[image via weheartit]

breakfast and a friend....

Its Sunday morning....                            

I rolled and lazed and got up late..
talked to my mister before i was all set..
no breakfast in the fridge ??
      i'll stay hungry,  i thought
but then changed my mind
   and walked to fetch  my bread .

at the bakery counter there was a little boy
by-hearting his lessons while his papa was away
his name was Manikantham, friends  call him Mani he said
wearing a coy smile,   he gave me my bread
i smiled  - turned and walked away
this morning i returned with breakfast in a hand,-     and a friend at bay !

[image from weheartit]

26.3.10

In the eyes of the beholder......

A consequence of Einstein's theory of relativity says that two events, simultaneous for one observer, may not be simultaneous for another observer if the observers are in relative motion. An over-simplified non-precise understanding of the aforementioned statement simply amounts to saying that the way we see things depend on the frame we perceive it from relative to our motion. Ever since its evolution, this idea has brought a revolution in our perception of the way of the world and we are still building on our understanding of the far reaching consequences of this theory. In this regard there was a talk in our institute today. and while was attending a strange idea struck me..... 


      what if ?????

WHAT IF ......    I was told one day that the hypothesis of relative motion in the theory of special relativity was redundant, 
                that is,  each person corresponds to a different frame of reference... irrespective of their relative motion  and ...  

"   if I were to see me through your eyes 
 and hear me through your ears

 i would look different, sound different, 
be a totally different me !! "

     In such a world would i still recognize myself or would i be a stranger to myself ?

It is said that  apparently Van Gogh's style of painting  was not merely a style ....     it was the way he saw the things around.......


eerie isn't it ???





[image: Vincent van Gogh - Shoes, by google search]

25.3.10

i do not care nomore....



i used to be complacent .... and then i was not....
  i accept the blame for that...
   i let them interfere way too much 
 ........ and let their views tear me apart...

each time when life was falling into place
    and i fancied good times were ahead
i sought their judgment and at times shared my joy ...
unfailingly, each time they analyzed me harshly
...... left me lost, left me distressed and dissatisfied.....

so i have resolved to cut myself from the lot
   cut myself from those whose opinions bother but do not matter much
lead a simple but orderly life 
   in a world full of abstractions,    full of  trees, flowers, and butterflies...
in a world where i will work from dawn to night
     work towards my dreams,
                       work to my dearies and my delight !!

[image from weheartit]

24.3.10

beyond words....


in a country like ours
                    where dialects do not die
 and rarely unify...

it is comforting that 
                       we can speak through smiles...
and the twinkle in our eye...

[image by google search]

23.3.10


she loved him all that she could
                     her ways to his resigned
but     she was neither pink nor pale  
                     she was not his valentine.......

on valentine's day she met him first
       then went to meet her husband-to-be..
"you should look the best on my wedding day,"
was all she said, -
             before pacing away hastily....

he heard not her silence
                  she was neither pink nor pale
"she is my best friend" he thought
                   and feared to follow the trail....


[verses adapted from Witch-Wife by Edna St Vincent Millay]

i want no world...

                  for beautiful you are my world, my true

......someday soon while i rock you in arms i shall  whisper to you....

                                                                                my love,                                                                                                                                                           
"i want no world  for beautiful you are my world..
i carry your heart with me...  i carry it in my heart"                              
         


                                       [verses by e.e cummings ]  
                                            [imgae: Mattie's Way by Richard Yaco]



22.3.10

the words left unspoken...


Dear Ma,

the lights were dim...
yet in that faint darkness your loveliness stood out...
adorned in your elegance- you looked beautiful
my dear mom... you looked stunning last night !

love, love, love, 
adoringly yours ....



[imge from weheretit]

19.3.10

"Do you ever dream..

Forrest, about who you're gonna be? "                    

Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be? ......


Jenny Curran: Yeah.

Forrest Gump:  Aren't-aren't I going to be me?


At times I wish I could move on with no memories of all those years that took away my innocence, my confidence, my trust and my faith from me... I wish those cynicisms hadn't touched me as deeply as they did... and their shadows would let me be.. just  for a while....

For just a little while  I wish  I could   un-educate myself, abandon the prejudices and be a little wild, a little uncivilized....
For just a little while  I wish  I could be a pure and simple me 
Embracing life and all around  less critically, more spontaneously and a lot more endearingly
For just a little while  I wish....
                      ...I wish I could dare to be me !


 [image from Forrest Gump by google search]


18.3.10

missing the innocence..

..... that I was mine, a very long time ago............



I received a message today that made me miss my  former self of  ten or eleven .. or even smaller...
I thought I'll share bits of the forwarded mail with all of you....



i want to go back to the time
when innocence  was natural, not fake .
when dad  was the only hero,  not Depp or Tom.
when love  was ma's hug, not the boy-friends'.
   when your worst enemies  were your siblings, not your boss.
when the only thing that could hurt  were bleeding knees,
not the tears falling down your cheeks.


.....and when good-byes  meant till  tomorrow,
not for years  &  years 
and certainly not forever......

[6.11.2013 : updated with images of my son. ]

17.3.10

I am late.......


I am so late.... 

Don't you feel like the White Hare...
when you are incredibly late....

I do...        
    and it is then that I miss a  pocket-watch
                       the most !!    






[image by google search]


16.3.10

No matter how much we despise them....

no fairy-tale, no comic series, no movie would ever be as exciting ..................


... had those villainous characters not been there to over-glorify our super-heroes  .........   

But frankly, have you ever come across anyone who is really dark ??
Dark in thoughts, dark in words, dark in character...... someone whose whole life is smeared with cold dark deeds........
Aren't  the villains as much a figment of our imaginations as are the super-heroes ?? Yet we tend to believe that villains exists more commonly and  are constantly on the look out for the villains in our lives. the people around us who might have wandered into the dark zone.... THE DARK SIDE as they call it  !

But  can someone consciously be so.... oooo   evil  !!
Momentary evil thoughts-- I understand... after all no one is all forgiving and all merciful and a desire for revenge might just cross your mind or greed might just possess you for a while...... but can there be anyone who is constantly contriving against you, conspiring against you.. , trying to make your world a living hell ??

Yet with relative ease we are often able to spot the villains in almost in every chapter of our lives....  probably because we wish our lives were more dramatic and ourselves more glorified .... and perhaps deep down we believe that within us lies a super--hero waiting to be challenged by this villain....  our villian.....

But come on we are no comic characters, no super-heroes...  we are real people.... 

.... and he who erred and wandered thither
                        is as much a human as you and me...... 
                                he is no villain either......



[image by google search]


14.3.10

Can't wait to hear from you....

Emails and mobiles are relatively new phenomenons for me and though I am used to the former , I am not particularly fond of the latter.  So when I moved to Chennai few months back I had decided to be archaic and not take a mobile connection. But a week back I succumbed  and I am already repenting... Having a connection makes me want to receive a call ... at least on Sundays. but people are busy you see..... and hence a nagging restlessness... the cause of my repentance...

At seventeen, when I left home, the only regular mode of connecting to my family and friends was through letters... Landlines were certainly there, but the cost of each call  was high.. so people more often than not exchanged letters... Hand-written-letters, enfolding long personal accounts which bore a lot more than the short-sos-type-telephonic conversations could encompass. They were so lovely, so personal, so endearing... I loved writing them and was always  thrilled when I received one  !! I would read and re-read them and enjoy each reading as if it was the first time....  Letters from my mother, my grandma and a dear friend were the ones I used to wait for the most.  While friends have shifted to emailing, ma and grandma have replaced their letters by calls.... but I miss the personal touch, I miss going to the post-office to buy the postcards and the stamps, i miss taking that extra effort to remain connected and mostly I miss the waiting.... the long waiting  at the end of which a reward was ensured.... the reward of a letter in my letter box  every Friday .... oh!  the GOOD  old Fridays !!


Emailing is different ! It is not as charming... With emails, you expect an instantaneous reply ..... and  check back your  inbox every few seconds...                                       now the waits are  short and the rewards are small........................
                                             and with reluctance I am learning to budge...


[image by google search]

12.3.10

In the middle of spring ....

                                                                   ........   I have begun to miss the snow  .........
    

"for though it was winter everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone  could quite begin to guess

except my life... the true time of the year that was...."



(adapted from i love you much(most beautiful darling)... e.e cummings )
[image: pittsburgh on 7th Feb '10 ! by NTK]

Home is where the heart is...

and my heart knowest not where it wants to be.....




Recently I got in touch with an old friend and exchanged the obvious questions.. whereas he had a definitive answer to all that I asked...
I had to think twice before I answered even his the simplest questions !

where do you stay, he asked

to which I replied..listing all the places where my heart wonders... where my parents stay, where my husband stays and then where work has stationed me momentarily....

what do you do, he asked

with slight hesitation  i replied i am a  post-doc.... fully aware of the how profound my job-title sounds and extremely guilty of how little justice I having been doing to it lately...


I pretended to be happy and settled... and I guess practice has perfected my pretence and now-a-days I sound convincing...

Yet deep inside I knew that very moment that I would have been the happiest person if only I could say...

I am a home-maker... I stay with my husband and I am beyond busy taking care of my beautiful daughter and her dad !



[photograph from my sister Rinku's album]

8.3.10

BE YOUR OWN WOMAN...

 

...... Celebrate yourself today !!

Happy Women's Day !!




[Thats Shruti, my beautiful one year old niece !] 
title of the post was  inspired by 
quotations by  Evita Perón  

7.3.10

Life ............ something more....

                                      
  There was a dialogue in the play yesterday that I had really liked... 

and I had thought I would remember .. but I feel a little unsure right now...

It is always the same story with me ... ...

remembering some bit ... forgetting others... 

and then trying  to reconstruct with chips from my abyss of forgetting !!


Amongst all others  that dialogue  from the play along with the visuals had impressed me most. That and the reminiscence of the characters on the "firsts of many others" have triggered in me an irrepressible replay of memories of yesterday...

Our first phone number : 261
The first car my dad owned : Ambassador - DLK 1973
My first friend in school : Rini Basu
My first prize : Alice in Wonderland
and many more firsts... of many others..




At the stake of sounding shallow I however admit that in spite of having lived in the India of 1983 and 1992, the communal riots have not left a very deep impression on me. They were merely headlines in "The Telegraph" -- the newspaper that my father used to read then. I however remember the agitation over the Mondol Commission during V. P. Singh's time and the noise raised by the "non SC-STs" over the reservation of seats latter. I guess it is the selfish -- self-indulgent slice of me that remembers the later and has conveniently forgotten the massacre of the former. I am embarrassed.... but that is me ...... the sum total of all my memories...... that define me... my life.

On googling I found that the play was a theatrical adaptation of "THE MAN WHO MISTOOK HIS WIFE FOR A HAT." It was all about the memories that we choose to keep with ourselves, reclaiming which we believe  we can reconstruct us, and the loss of which will make the person in the mirror a stranger to us. Through the characters of Rajat (Rajat Kapoor), Sheeba (Sheeba Chadha), Vinay (Vinay Pathak), Munish (Munish Bharadwaj), Yoginder Chauhan (Ranbir Shorey) and the Doctor (Konkona Sen Sharma),  this underlying thought was brilliantly portrayed in the  play last evening --- THE BLUE MUG.


[photos 1,2 by  G. Pandey, photo 3 via google search ]

2.3.10

:-) Smile


.... is just the thing I need today.........
so smile please my lovely ....
smile and make my day!!



[Baba, my dad, had mailed me this poster sometime back... i know its worth today... so I decided to pass the smile to you .... :-) 
Have a wonderful day !]


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